The Fushigi Yuugi Cast
by Kali Swifteye
Summary: Supreme strangeness...be afraid. Be very afraid. Has one chapter where Saiyuki charries come to visit.
1. After the show

WARNING: Complete and crazed strangeness will insue in these pages. Do not read if you have any problems with total and complete ruin of the characters in Fushigi Yuugi.  
  
THANKS TO: Me friends at school (KraZOtaku being one of them, Brittney- Btrflies another)  
  
DISCLAIMER: I have power over these characters, but only in this fic. rubs hands together in a maniacal and Vampire-ish creepy way Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Director: Aaaaaaaaand...CUT! That's a wrap for today, people! Great job, everyone.  
  
Tomo: Thank God! This makeup is killing me. (looks around) Yo! Anyone got some turpentine?  
  
Nakago: (flips his hair in a surfer-like fashion) Dude, I think I like, saw some over there, dude.  
  
Tomo: And where would over there be?  
  
Nakago: (thinks really hard) Like, um...I can't remember.  
  
Tomo: Since this airhead over here doesn't know where it is, does anybody know?? I'm gonna be late to my hockey game!  
  
Miboshi: (laughs) What, so you can put more makeup all over you again and scream like an idiot again?  
  
Tomo: You wanna mess with me, baldy?!?  
  
Miboshi: (hurt) The Rogaine won't work, okay? It's not my fault! It's all this stress!

ELSWHERE IN THE STUDIO....

Soi: Eeeek! It's, like, omigosh, a monster!! Eeeek!  
  
Ashitare: (annoyed) Chill out. It's just a costume.  
  
Soi: (tucks her hair behind her ear) Like, omigosh, I knew that, furball. You, like, just scared me for a minute, you know?  
  
Chichiri: Yo, that's my line, chick!  
  
Tasuki: Yo, Chichiri my man! How's it going, my homie g? Slide me some skin, my brotha.  
  
Chichiri: Whassup, Tasuki! (they do that weird handshake/bump/slide thing)  
  
Tasuki: Man, I was thinkin' 'bout going to that rockin' party down on Main tonight.  
  
Chichiri: Hell yeah. That's what I was thinkin' of! A nice beer to soak off the wrap-up blue is just what we need.  
  
Tasuki: Why only one? (they do a high-five, continue planning their night, and exit)

ONCE AGAIN ELSEWHERE IN THE STUIDO...

Suzaku: (pops his head out of his dressing room) Hey, anyone want KFC?  
  
Miaka: Oh, no thank you, Suzaku-sama! I'm on a diet. Tamahome might like some, though.  
  
Suzaku: (exasperated) I already asked him. He's on another one of his campaigns.

Collective yells from EVERYONE in the Studio: Aw, HELL NO!  
  
Mitsukake: (massages his temples) Not again!  
  
Tamahome: (sitting in a corner cross-legged, oblivious to everyone else) Become one with the earth. Denounce all materialistic things. I am peace, and peace is in me. Once you are joined with nature, all other things will be of no importance.

AGAIN, ELSWHERE...

Nuriko: (voice echoes through the studio) Whatta ya mean, my double's a GIRL?!?!?  
  
Director's assistant: (sweatdrops and shuffles through papers on a clipboard nervously) Mr. Nuriko, she's the only person we could find that has your abilities as well as your grace and beauty- er, handsome features.  
  
Nuriko: (coughs) Well, now that you put it that way, Miss, I guess I can make an exception. (glances over at Chiriko) But get the kid a cold washcloth and some aspirin, will you?  
  
Director's assistant: (looks over at Chiriko and sighs tiredly) Not again...  
  
Chiriko: (collapsed on the ground, twitching) Brain- jam packed- no more information,  
  
PLEASE...  
  
Mitsukake: (kneeling next to Chiriko) C'mon, stay with us! What's two plus two?  
  
Chiriko: Um, um, um, hydrochloric acid!! (shakes head) No, that's not right, it's 23 latitude, 19 longitude! No, that's not it either...PLEASE DON'T FAIL ME!!! I'M ONLY THIRTEEN!!!!

Mitsukake: (checks his watch) Listen, you guys get the kid home and a slip for school, I gotta get to my other job. Not everyone can work a city morgue! (slips on a white lab jacket with blood stains on it and exits)  
  
Nakago: (staring at Soi) So, dudette, wanna go get a milkshake down at the Shack?  
  
Soi: (staring at Nakago) Like, totally! I'll call Daddy for the limo!  
  
Nakago: Sweet!  
  
Soi: Totally! (they leave)  
  
Miaka: (hauls a protesting Tamahome up) Come on, let's go watch the Discovery channel. They have something on vegan diets tonight.  
  
Tamahome: (gazes wistfully at her) This is why I love you. (they exit)  
  
Nuriko: (sighs) Hey, Wolfboy, since Hotohori already left in his helicopter, wanna catch a ride with me 'n Chiriko? (picks up Chiriko and puts him over his shoulder easily)  
  
Ashitare: (shrugs) Sure. (they exit)  
  
Tomo: Aaagh!! I'm late!! (grabs a handtowl and a pail of turpentine he had forced Miboshi to dig up and) I'll take my makeup off on the way. (leaves)  
  
Miboshi: And I have to get going to my 'Famous Bald Men of America' seminar. (exits)  
  
Suzaku: Darn it!! Out of KFC. (silent for a moment) Hey, mabye Popeye's is still open! (flies away)  
  
Director's assistant: Well, I guess that's everybody. (exits and slams studio door shut)

(Silence for a few minutes, until a struggle is heard)

? #1: Why do they give me frickin' yo-yos for weapons? AURG!!((AN: yes, aurg. I think it's an expression of frustration, somewhere)) (a thud is heard, as if someone fell on the floor)  
  
? #2: You're almost untangled, just turn your arm like...(a sickening crunch is heard)

(? #1 walks onto the stage, now revealed as Suboshi)  
  
Suboshi: Ouch!! My arm doesn't bend that way!

(? #2 also walks in, and is ((you guessed it)) Amiboshi)  
  
Amiboshi: Well it got you out, so now it does. Hey, Mitsukake, got any of that power le...

(they both look around, confused)  
  
Suboshi: Mitsukake?  
  
Amiboshi: (feebly) Anyone?  
  
(the lights all turn off, except for the spotlight on the twins, and then even that goes off)  
  
THE END

Amiboshi: (whispering) Suboshi?  
  
Suboshi: (also whispering) What?!  
  
Amiboshi: I'm hungry.  
  
THE REAL END  
  
AUTHORESS NOTE: I hope you liked that. Ha, I had to add that last bit(It's from LOTR, for all of you who don't know). What the- oh. Heh heh. (sweatdrops and wrings hands, trying to inch away) Oh, ah, hi guys.  
  
Nakago: (blue chi burns the script) A surfer? How dare you!  
  
Soi: And a Valley girl??  
  
Tomo: What it a hockey game, and why does it sound so horrid? And if so, why am I going to it??  
  
Miboshi: It's not my fault I'm bald.  
  
Chiriko: I'm not some stupid pre-adolescent boy! Well, maybe pre- adolescent...  
  
Kali: cringe Any other complaints?? (braces herself)  
  
Tasuki: nope. I liked me!!  
  
Chichiri: (slightly annoyed) I'm not some beer-guzzling freak. That's Tasuki's job.  
  
Tasuki: Yeah, that's right! Hey, wait a sec, Chichiri...!  
  
Miaka: (thunder and lightning) A DIET?!??!?!?!  
  
Tamahome: WHADDA YA MEAN, DENOUNCE ALL MATERIALISTIC THINGS?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Suzaku: (hurt) Chicken?  
  
Nuriko: (points a shaking finger) That- that THING killed me, and I drive him home?!?!  
  
Ashitare: Bow-wow, Grrrr Arf!! Arf Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! (translation Excuse me, but you killed me too, fruitcake! And I am not a thing, I am half wolf, half human. So there.)  
  
Nuriko: (enraged) Fruitcake???? I'M NOT GAY ANYMORE!!!!! (another epic battle ensues)  
  
Kali: sigh I'll try better next time, guys, really. Well, to all my readers, TTFN!! (to Ashitare and Nuriko) Hey, um, guys, no death, please? Guys? Um, are you listening to me?...


	2. Saiyuki meets Fushigi Yuugi

Author's Note: Mwuahahahahahaha!!!!!!! New craziness shall ensue, and the world will be MIEEEEEEENEE!!!!!!! Well, um, cough cough not really, but I can try.  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to someone, but not me. Phooey.  
  
SAIYUKI MEETS FUSHIGI YUUGI (don don duuuuuh!!)  
  
(begins in the Kouto palace, although there are more Suzaku people there than there are Seiryuu)  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK  
  
Nuriko: Eeee!! They're here! (runs to the door, smiling brightly. Opens it) Hello, fellas! Welcome to Fushigi Yuugi! I'm Nuriko!  
  
Sanzo: I know. You're the only one with purple hair. Sanzo, nice to meet you. (walks past him)  
  
Nuriko: Well, um, okay then. Hi there...um...;;  
  
Goku: (drags himself through the door) Fooooooood....so...hungry!...  
  
Hakkai: Chill out. It was only a three hour drive.  
  
Goku: Only? ONLY?!??!?!  
  
Hotohori: (walks over in a white frilly apron, holding a tray) The buffet is over there if any of you are hungry. (walks away, talking to a servant) What do you mean, they want to put the tomatoes in the fruit salad? Everyone knows that a tomato is a vegetable...at least, I think it is...  
  
Goku: Food!!! (runs to the buffet)  
  
Nuriko: ...  
  
Gojyo: (eyes Nuriko)  
  
Nuriko: Oh, um, hello!  
  
Gojyo: Hm. A member of the itty bitty titty committee. Interesting.  
  
Nuriko: (enraged) WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!  
  
Hakkai: Gojyo, behave. We're their guests.  
  
Chichiri: (his head pops out from underneath his hat that was lying on the table) Actually Nuriko's a man. He would have to steal from Hotohori to pay for the plastic surgery otherwise, no da. (disappears once again)  
  
Gojyo: Wha...he's a guy?!?! (faints)  
  
Nakago: He's more concerned about a cross dresser than a head popping out of nowhere. How idiotic.  
  
Soi: (appears from out of nowhere and bows to Nakago) My lord, I have found the liquor from around the world, the famed 'Hin Jin', created by your tribe.  
  
Tasuki: Hey, more booze! I want some!  
  
Soi: (rolls her eyes) Fine. But only a drop on your tongue. (pours a drop into a shot glass)  
  
Tasuki: (acting offended) Soi, are you saying I can't hold my liquor?  
  
Soi: Yes.  
  
Tasuki: (really offended) I'll show you! Gimme that. (drinks it)  
  
Soi: So?  
  
Tasuki: (grins) Hey, you're kinda cute!  
  
Soi: (glare)  
  
Tasuki: Ow, ow, sparks in mouth!! (runs around in circles until collapsing on the floor giggling)  
  
Nakago: Such a moron. Pour me a glass, Soi.  
  
Soi: (hands Nakago a glass and turns, only to face a red-faced Tasuki)  
  
Tasuki: Listen, I'm sorry for the whole death thing, but it seems to be KILLING our friendship.  
  
Soi: ...  
  
Tasuki: See, I thought we were THROUGH all of that. I thought it was all BEHIND us. I mean, this is CUTTING us apart.  
  
Soi: ...  
  
Tasuki: So, how about you come over to the Konan palace some time for some SHISHCABOBS? Hm? Hm?  
  
Soi: (stress mark) ...  
  
Tasuki: (dodges sudden lightning) What's wrong with you?!?! I was AIMING to mend our friendship!!! (continues to dodge)  
  
Soi: (sighs, and turns from Tasuki only to face Gojyo)  
  
Gojyo: You're a hottie. What're you doing in this anime?  
  
Soi: ... You have red hair.  
  
Gojyo: Yeah, the color of passion. So, do you want to go out some time? Preferably tonight?  
  
Soi: HE has red hair.  
  
Gojyo: He? Who's 'he'? Oh well, I don't care. (puts his arm around her shoulders)  
  
Soi: ...  
  
(lightning comes down and zaps Gojyo's bangs. They turn black, then disintegrate)  
  
Gojyo: (touches his two new bald spots in horror, speechless)  
  
Soi: (sighs and turns to Nakago) My lord Nakago, we are surrounded by fools..m-my lord!  
  
Nakago: (smiling like an idiot, cheeks red) Hola, Soi! Como estas! ((AN: this is said extremely white and drunk, pronunciations H-ola, co-MO es- TAS)) This Hin Jin is real strong stuff! Oh, yeah, I found me a drinkin' buddy!  
  
Hakkai: (finishes a glass of Hin Jin) Ahh! Strong stuff! (winks at a servant girl) Hey cutie!  
  
Goku: Um, Sanzo, what's wrong with Hakkai?  
  
Sanzo: Nothing. He's just drunk. Wait a minute...  
  
Goku: (stricken) B-but Hakkai never gets drunk!  
  
Nakago: What kinds of idiots call themselves the Hins? (laughs) Stupid morons, no wonder they got massacred! Hey, Soi, didja hear about that blond boy that killed his mother? Whatta shmuck!  
  
Soi: ...  
  
Hakkai: Let's sing a pub song!  
  
Nakago: Alrighty then!  
  
(they link arms and sway back and forth, swinging their drinks everywhere)  
  
Nakago, Hakkai, and all other drunks in the palace: Ai, Ai, Ai Ai! We are the Frito Banditos! We love Fritos corn chips, We love them we do! We love Fritos corn chips, We'll take them from you!  
  
Nakago: Second verse, same as the first! A whole lot louder and a whole lot worse!  
  
Soi: ... (begins to slam her head into a wall, thinking, 'Why me? Why me? Why me?...)  
  
(now to take a break from the drunks and poor, assaulted Soi)  
  
Miaka: (glaring at Goku) I've heard about you and how much you eat! But anything you can eat I can more of!  
  
Goku: I can eat anything more than you!  
  
Miaka: No you can't!  
  
Goku: Yes I can!  
  
Miaka: No you can't!  
  
Goku: Yes I can!  
  
Miaka: That's it, monkey boy! You. Me. The gods' endless buffet. Now. Be there, of be square!  
  
Goku: I don't know what you mean by being square, but it sounds like an insult. You're on, cow!  
  
(they both race over to the buffet, pushing away the gods and eating the food)  
  
Suzaku: My vegetables!  
  
Seiryuu: My fish!  
  
Biakko: My tofu! (they all turn and look at Genbu, who shrugs)  
  
Genbu: Hey, don't look at me, I ate before I came. I mean, come on, it's Miaka we're talking about!  
  
(back to the drunks...)  
  
Nakago: (puts an arm around Soi, who swoons) Baby, I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town- we'll paint the town red!  
  
Soi: (straightening slightly) But Nakago, red is the color of our enemies!  
  
Nakago: Enemies shmenemies! (begins to sing) Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't weeee be frieeeeends?  
  
Soi: Alright, alright, just stop singing, please!  
  
Nakago: Great! (he drags her away)  
  
Sanzo: (sitting at a table with Mitsukake, drinking and playing cards) That's hopeless. Do you have any fours?  
  
Mitsukake: (takes a drag on his herbal cigarette ((AN: HERBAL! I made it herbal!)) ) You're telling me. (looks at his cards) Nope. Go fish.  
  
Sanzo: Shit. 


End file.
